By George A. Boyd © 2004
Adulthood is a time in your life when
You usually move away from your parents' home
You earn your own income through a job
You select a partner to share your life with you
You may pursue higher education to move into a better-paying
career
You may join the military to serve your country
You develop your own set of beliefs and values
You may choose to have children of your own and raise
a family.
There are many skills that you will need to function
as an adult. These skills for relating to others in a professional and
appropriate way and for independent living you usually learn as a teenager.
Sometimes though, because of your family situation,
and other people that influence you, you might not learn these skills.
Then you move into your 20s and 30s inadequately prepared to adopt the
adult role, and you have a miserable and unhappy life.
These are some of the signs that mark a miserable and
unhappy life:
- Depression and mental illness (e.g., you can't
cope with the adult responsibilities and you go off the deep end)
- Going to jail because of illegal (and dumb) things
you do
- Becoming crippled because you got shot hanging
around with questionable friends doing illegal and dumb stuff
- Getting into a car accident and becoming crippled
and disfigured because you thought you'd be cool and thought you'd
impress your friends by driving fast while you were drunk or stoned
- Spending a lot of time in hospitals because of
dumb stuff you do
- Becoming a dope addict or alcoholic (e.g., you
find a chemical substitute for life)
- Losing all friends and being disowned by your parents
by becoming a dope addict or alcoholic because you act like a jerk
while you're drunk or stoned
- Getting into a relationship where you batter your
partner or they batter you
- Can't get or keep a relationship
- Conceive children then can't take care of them,
or worse, abuse or neglect them
- You have children, but the courts keep taking them
away from you
- You have to abandon your children at fire stations
or hospitals because you can't afford to keep them
- You get horrible diseases because you try to find
true love with the wrong people
- You can't get or keep a job, or you get fired often
and quickly
- You spend a lot of time on welfare, or unemployment
because you have no job skills
- You are working at slightly above minimum wage
at age 30
- You can't afford to live away from your parents'
house, where you are still living at age 35
Some of you can relate to these things because (please
circle the best answer)
- You have been there and done that
- You are currently doing these things and are now
having a miserable and unhappy life
- Some of your friends and relatives have been there
and done that
- Some of your friends and relatives are currently
doing these things and are now having miserable and unhappy lives
- Some (most?) of the people in your neighborhood
(and your friends and relatives) are going there and doing that and
having miserable and unhappy lives
- All of the above
When exposed to all of this misery, and surrounded by
the wreckage of so many unhappy and broken human livesperhaps you
may wish to consider some other, more positive alternatives for your own
(and only) life?
Since much of this misery and human wreckage can be
avoided by simply gaining adult skills to relate to other people and to
work successfully, would it not behoove you
even as a whim
to do a personal inventory to see if you have these skills?
Categories of Adult Skills
There are nine categories of adult skills that you will
inventory. We won't list every skill that exists in that category, but
we'll try to list enough of them so you can get a good sense about how
well prepared you are to take on the challenges of being an adult, on
your own, free and proud. Here are the nine categories:
(1) Environmental skills
(2) Financial skills
(3) Social and civic skills
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(4) Parenting skills
5) Employability skills
(6) Friendship/Intimacy skills
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(7) Learning/Education skills
(8) Life planning skills
(9) Self-management tools
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Adult Skills Inventory
Inventory is a tool to check in with your self.
But it only works if you are honest and thorough.
Honest, because if you guess or lie about
the skills you've mastered (when you haven't really mastered them),
reality is going to shatter your illusions. (When in doubt, the results
you get are the measure of your effectiveness).
Thorough, because if you leave out some areas,
you will have some rude awakenings when you discover that you forgot
some really important stuff.
Are you ready? Strap on your seat belt and let's go!
(Ask your self, "do I really know how to do this?" If the answer is yes,
put a check on the line in front of the sentence).
Environmental Skills
_____Make your bed
_____Put clothing and clutter away to create an orderly
living space
_____Wash the dishes by hand; Wash dishes in a dishwasher
_____Wash clothes by hand and dry in the sun or wash
and dry clothes in a washer and dryer
_____Clean bathroom and kitchen sinks and tubs; clean
to prevent rust and mildew
_____Clean shades, walls, furniture, shelves, bookcases,
and other environmental surfaces
_____Vacuum a carpet
_____Sweep, mop and wax a tile floor; clean a wood floor
_____Remove garbage and trash; recycle renewable items
_____Mow the lawn and do basic weeding and soil preparation
for a garden; water plants
_____Clean appliances: refrigerator, stove, and dishwasher
_____Shut off the gas and electricity during an emergency
(e.g., earthquake, flood or fire); operate flashlights, lanterns, or kerosene
equipment
_____Set up camping equipment; assemble games and sports
playing areas; operate a barbecue or grill
_____Do simple electrical repairs: replace a light,
remove a switch cover, replace a fuse, or turn on a circuit breaker switch
_____Do simple plumbing repairs: replace a washer, turn
off water at a valve, and replace gaskets or floaters in a toilet
_____Do simple carpentry tasks: hang a picture, replace
a lock or hinge, or replace worn replace molding or weather stripping
_____Assemble a piece of furniture according to directions
_____Do basic installation and set up of television
sets, compact disks, stereos, computers and other electronic equipment;
operate that equipment according to directions
_____Wash and wax a car; do basic car maintenance: replace
lights, battery, oil, water, windshield fluid and wipers, and transmission
fluid
_____Drive a car; drive a stick shift automobile
_____Read a map; find directions to a destination using
the Internet
_____Make a grocery list and locate these items in a
store
_____Do basic cooking and shopping for food and household
items
Financial Life Skills
_____Do a transaction with a business (buy something)
_____Return that item with a receipt
_____Mail something with the right postage
_____Purchase a bus pass
_____Sign a contract obligating you to pay for something
over a series of months
_____Make regular payments for an item over time and
pay it off
_____Open a checking account
_____Open a savings account
_____Operate a calculator or ten key adding machine;
balance a check book
_____Take out a personal loan
_____Obtain credit (get a credit card or line of credit
from a bank)
_____Invest your money for retirement or future goals
(e.g., IRA, certificate of deposit, stocks or bonds)
_____Make a monthly budget and keep it; keep track of
your debts and monthly payments
_____Buy a car
_____Maintain a car and make car payments
_____Rent or lease an apartment
_____Turn on utilities for that apartment (phone, lights,
or gas)
_____Purchase items to live in that apartment like a
bed, bedding, clothing, furniture, kitchen utensils, lamps, cleaning supplies,
etc.)
_____Buy a house
_____Purchase items to live in that house (bed, bedding,
clothing, furniture, kitchen utensils, lamps, cleaning supplies, etc.)
_____Make mortgage and insurance payments
_____Buy life and health insurance for yourself and
your family
_____Pay taxes
_____Hire an accountant
_____Hire an investment professional (financial planner,
or a stock broker)
_____Hire an attorney
_____File legal paperwork with a court clerk
_____Sue someone in court
_____Make a will to protect your family when you die
_____Make a business plan
_____Raise funds to start a business
_____Start your own business
_____Manage your own business
_____Hire and fire employees
_____File taxes for that business
_____Start a corporation
_____Manage a corporation
_____File regular reports and taxes required for
that corporation
Social/Civic Skills
_____Show courtesy and politeness (e.g., saying please
and thank you, talking with socially appropriate language, being polite
and using good manners)
_____Being well groomed and having an appropriate wardrobe
for casual, formal and business use
_____Offer condolences and get well wishes, remembering
someone' birthday
_____Apologize to someone
_____Accepting congratulations and praise from other
people
_____Graciously accept a gift
_____Deal with disappointment or frustration without
having a tantrum, cursing, or being upset
_____Tell clean, inoffensive jokes, and how to have
fun in a social situation
_____Know how to play card games, board games, and sports;
know how to dance
_____Deal with public embarrassment
_____Accept criticism and correction from a peer or
someone in authority
_____Show personal courage by telling the truth
_____Express your opinion in a way that doesn't demean
or offend others
_____Obey the laws of your community and country, even
when you could break them
_____Exercise your rights as a citizen: voting for the
candidates of your choice (are you registered to vote?)
_____Participate in political forums, peaceful protests,
or contacting your local, state and national government representatives
on behalf of an issue about which you feel strongly
_____Volunteer to help your community or an organization
to which you belong (e.g., your school, your religiousorganization, or
a non-profit group)
_____Participate in community organizations on their
board of directors
_____Run for a public office in your community, county,
state, or nation
Parenting Skills
_____Understanding your child's developmental stages
and what behavior is appropriate at each stage
_____Understanding what are a person's physical, emotional,
mental, personal, and spiritual needs at each stage of life
_____Understanding what constitutes abuse, neglect,
and abandonment in their different forms and making sure that you don't
do any of those things in your family
_____Know what to do to care for the needs of an infant
(age 0-1)
_____Know what to do to care for the needs of a toddler
(age 1-3)
_____Know what to do to care for the needs of a preschooler
(age 3-5)
_____Know what to do to care for the needs of school
aged child (age 6-10)
_____Knowing what to do to care for the needs of a pre-adolescent
(age 11-12)
_____Knowing what to do to care for the needs of an
adolescent (age 13-18)
_____Knowing what to do to care for the needs of a young
adult (age 19 to 28)
_____Knowing what to do to care for the needs of a dependent
or disabled adult
_____Knowing what to do to care for the needs of an
elderly person
Employability Skills
_____Have job skills for which an employer would consider
hiring you
_____Drive a car or know how to use public transportation
to get to work
_____Know how to search for work
_____Develop a résumé and a cover letter
_____Wear appropriate clothing for the job you will
be doing (e.g., business attire in an office, uniform in a medical setting,
protective work clothes at a construction site, etc.)
_____Know how to answer questions in an interview
_____Arrive on time at the beginning of the day and
from lunch and breaks (punctuality)
_____Work your entire shift as scheduled (reliability)
_____Give appropriate notice if you can't come to work
due to illness
_____Ask questions if you don't understand what to do
_____Ask for work if you finished the assignment given
to you
_____Do your job correctly, quickly, and with professionalism
(responsibility)
_____Able to accept supervision and correction from
a supervisor
_____Take good care of your customers so they will want
to continue to patronize the company for which you work
_____Use persuasion to sell yourself, your ideas, the
company's products or services
_____Know how to ask for a raise or apply for a promotion
_____Know how to leave a company to take another job
_____Know how to give a speech or presentation to your
co-workers
_____Know how to act as a representative or leader for
your work group
_____Become involved on a committee or union activities
at work
_____Supervise others in the company
_____Act as a manager within the company
_____Act as a professional consultant to a company
_____Doing strategic planning as part of upper management
in the company
_____Running the company (e.g., CEO, Company President
or Executive Officer)
Friendship/Intimacy Skills
_____Get to know someone: where they grew up, what they
have experienced, what they likeand dislike, what their values and goals
are, and what they plan to do with their future
_____Help someone who needs your help
_____Listen to another person's feelings and issues
_____Share your feelings with someone
_____Show liking and affection for someone in a non-sexual
way
_____Ask for a date
_____Able to initiate romantic behavior and respond
appropriately to the other person's expressed limits and preferences
_____Make a commitment to a friend; be there for your
friend when he or she needs you
_____Make a commitment to be faithful to a romantic
partner, (e.g., going steady, engagement)
_____Proposing marriage
_____Keeping your marriage vows, remaining faithful
to your partner and committed to your children
_____Able to support someone when they are in mourning,
in pain, and when they are dying
Learning/Education Skills
_____Able to read to understand your assignments, to
read the newspaper, and research areas of interest
_____Able to do math sufficient to solve problems in
your class, to do what is required on the job, and for personal finances
_____Able to write clearly and appropriately for the
audience with whom you wish to communicate; write personal and business
letters, essays and poetry; write professionally for publication
_____Able to analyze and use intellectual problem-solving
skills to solve problems in your class, on the job and in your personal
life
_____Able to study to remember information for tests,
for job-related tasks, and for personal interest
_____Able to take notes to facilitate study and research
for school, work, or your avocation (e.g., an area of personal interest,
a hobby)
_____Able to research for a school paper, a work-project,
or for personal interest using a library, books, videos, and the Internet;
know how to gather information on any topic that you need
_____Able to present your ideas to others graphically
(charts or diagrams), orally (speech or lecture), visually (writing on
a blackboard or showing a video), kinesthetically (showing them how to
do something), using multi-media (computer presentation, e.g., in PowerPoint™
or Flash™), and lyrically (tell a story or read a poem)
_____Able to edit writing so it uses correct spelling,
grammar, and punctuation
_____Able to organize your study time so you can do
all that is assigned to you in time for your next class, so you can be
ready for tests, project deadlines, and due dates
_____ Able to operate computers to do tasks using word
processing, spreadsheet, database, presentation, graphics, e-mail and
Internet applications
_____Able to teach others a subject you know very well
Life Planning Skills
_____Able to decide what is really important to you
in life, set goals to achieve those dreams, and take effective action
towards achieving them
_____Able to plan for classes you need to take to achieve
your career goals
_____Able to plan for parties and other events you plan
to host
_____Able to plan for a wedding
_____Able to develop a career plan detailing how you
will advance in your career, what additional education you may need, and
what companies you will target for employment, etc.
_____Able to plan for a vacation
_____Able to develop a comprehensive financial plan
to address your goals for education, children, major purchases (e.g.,
house and car), risk or catastrophic events (e.g., insurance), vacation,
and retirement
_____Able to develop contingency (backup) plans for
when things dont do as you had planned (e.g., you get laid off from
the job, your partner leaves you, you get sick, you can't find a job for
a long period of time, etc.)
Self Management Skills
_____Able to care for your self during illness, control
diet and lifestyle to maintain optimal health, and know how to exercise
to remain fit
_____Able to keep your word, to do what you promise
_____Able to control your anger and restrain yourself
from insulting, belittling, or bullying another, or engaging in violence;
able to tolerate other's taunting, insults, or teasing without resorting
to violence against them
_____Able to forgive someone for a wrong they perpetrated
against you; able to let go of your resentments, prejudice, and hatred
for others
_____Able to grieve for a loss of someone or something
important to you
_____Able to laugh when it is appropriate; to withhold
laughter when it is not
_____Able to know what your values are, and stand up
for them
_____Able to make a long term commitment, to a financial
or legal contract, to a relationship, to an employer, to the military,
or to the principles of your religious faith or ethical philosophy
_____Able to know yourself, and not make unrealistic
expectations for what you can do or what you can achieve; able to know
others well enough so you can make realistic expectations for their behavior
and potential achievement
_____Able to set limits for others to let them know
what is not acceptable behavior and language in your presence and in your
home
_____Able to commit yourself to actualize your human
and spiritual potential regardless of the obstacles you may face
_____Able to calm yourself when upset or relax when
stressed
_____Able to contact your Higher Power through prayer
and meditation
As an adolescent, young adult, or older adult in recovery
from a miserable and unhappy life, you may find to your chagrin that you've
never learned to do many of these skills. This is your wakeup call!
The bad news is that you may already have created a
lot of wreckage in your life and in your relationships, and it may take
some time to recover from the mess you have created. The good news is
that you can and there are people and resources that can help you.
Digging Your Self Out of the Rut and Moving Forward
with Your Life
Now that you know what needs work, you can begin today.
Identify which of these skills you need to learn and start to acquire
them. Here some ideas:
Environmental Skills - (now you understand
why your parents kept giving you chores that you resented and hatedit
was to prepare you to function independently) find a friend who knows
how to do these tasks and ask them for advice. Ask or pay a friend to
do them, and watch him or her so you can learn how to do it. Assist
your parents, friends or relatives with cleaning and other environmental
tasks with an aim to learn how to do them. Read books in the library
on how to clean, how to cook, and how to do basic repairs. Additional
information is available on these topics on the Internet. You can also
volunteer or do paid work with a carpenter, electrician, plumber or
auto mechanic to learn some of these skills.
Financial Skills - take classes on economics,
the law, accounting, and personal financial planning. Read books on
these subjects and go to seminars. Consult with an attorney, lawyer,
accountant, stockbroker, or personal financial planner as is appropriate
for your situation to help make sound financial and legal decisions.
Study business administration in college.
Social/Civic Skills - take a Social Skills
training course (Job Corps has thisif you're 16 to 24, you can
learn these skills), an assertiveness training course, or human development
courses at college. Associate with people who are polite, have good
manners, and speak in a respectful and civil way (you may find this
will rub off on you and that you can act this way too if you wish).
Read books on etiquette. Educate yourself about community and political
issues by watching the news. Volunteer in your community. Get involved
in your political party, register to vote, and attend community forums.
Employability Skills - Enroll in vocational
classes while you are in high school or college to learn skills that
will help you get and find a job. There are programs available from
your school district, your local Work Source Center, and Federal programs
like Job Corps that will help train you for a career and will teach
you many of the employability skills. You can also enroll in private
vocational training programs. If you have been disabled, you can obtain
assistance from your State Vocational Rehabilitation Department. Obtain
a job, or a volunteer or intern position to gain valuable work experience.
You may be able to learn to drive through your school district, or you
can pay for private lessons.
Friendship/Intimacy Skills - you can learn
to develop many of these skills by finding a mentor, someone who can
model for you how to be a compassionate, considerate, and caring human
being. A mentor can be a relative, a wise friend, a co-worker, a teacher,
or someone who is a member of your religious faith. You may need counseling
or psychotherapy to undo some of the wreckage of your own past, but
even deep scars can heal, and you can begin to retrace your way. People
can find guidance in this area from self-help groups, and there are
recovery groups to assist you if your friendship/intimacy skills have
been warped by an addiction. There are also good books on this topic.
Your school or college counselor has resources in this area, too.
Learning/Education Skills - Here your school
or college counselor has many resources. If you have problems learning
a subject, your school can develop a special program for you to help
you succeed in this learning skill. There are many good resources available
through your library on how to study, and also on-line on the Internet.
Make friends with a good student and study with themyou'll learn
a lot on how to be a better, more successful student.
Life Planning Skills - You can learn to set
goals and plans. There are resource materials available from your school
counselor and at your public library. There are private programs that
teach life planning skills, like Success Motivation Institute. You can
also learn about goal setting and planning on-line on the Internet.
You can learn how to do a personal inventory like this one and begin
to make changes in areas you want to improve.
Self-Management Skills - This is also an area
where a good mentor is invaluable and indispensable. You can obtain
counseling or therapy to help you work out issues with anger, grief,
resentment, and dysfunctional styles of relating to others. You can
learn about caring for your health, diet, and exercise. You can learn
how to relax and calm yourselfthere are tapes available. There
are programs to teach you how to cope with stress. There are yoga and
meditation groups, and classes available through your religious organization
that teach ways for you to control your reaction to stressful life events.
Now that you've done the inventory, hopefully you know
yourself a little better. Day by day you will acquire more of these skills
until you are able to function at your best, and you will start having
a happy and terrific life like you know you well deserve. Now 'fess up!
You do deserve to have your life work, don't you? You can start today
to begin building more of the adult skills you need to be successful in
your life.
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